“I live to enjoy life by the littlest things, feeling the grass between my toes, breathing fresh air, watching the wind sway the trees, enjoying the company of loved ones, a deep conversation, getting lost in a good book, going for a walk in nature, watching my kids grow up. Just the feeling itself of being alive, the absolute amazing fact that we are here right now, breathing, thinking, doing.” ― Marigold Wellington
Our lives are comprised of nothing more than moments – some big, others – not so much…but each holds it’s own impact. Ever stopped for a moment and actually contemplated how many “impacts” you have been through in a 12hr stint? – Can’t say I do it often (not intentionally anyway)… but today I was overwhelmed with them, for “whatever reason”.
Kicking it off with my usual “early morning” (pre- going back to sleep) moment at about 5.30am where (again) I was impacted by a tweet. I actually went to seek it out now for “accurate” translation, but could not find it – I delete tweets too, lol… don’t we all! Anyhooo… it read something along the lines of “people don’t want to read long stories without pictures, they just want the things that are pretty to the eye” - my summation from that: People are all about instant gratification and the individual who wrote this was clearly feeling a little despondent with regard to their written word. This made me sad. I hate the fact that someone divulged their inner thoughts and nobody had taken time enough to respond. I had, and still have every intention of getting to that post – but the day ran away with me. It really pains me that despite how OFTEN I voice this problem… it ALWAYS seems to fall on deaf ears – yeah the comment gets an upvote or whatever… but does anything actually change? Nope. Lol! It is just US – yip, the you’s and me’s reading this that are willing to make the effort to change this! Apparently the “big fish” have “bigger fish” to fry! Your words did NOT fall on deaf ears!!!!!
“Who doesn't want to know that we notice them and value them? And who might respond to us better when they feel that they matter? It probably cannot be overstated – it matters...that people matter.” ― Steve Goodier
Most of you already know that I clean my house from top to tail on Monday’s… this week my OCD self, decided to break the rules and spend an additional day ignoring the dog hair piling up on the corners of the stairwell… and I kicked into “domestic mode” this morning. As I have said many times before, this “day” normally becomes somewhat reflective. Yes, I go through the motions of dusting, polishing, vacuuming, mopping, washing bedding…bla bla… but once the fundamentals are out of the way there is always time dedicated to reflection. Perhaps I am getting old, but I get enormous satisfaction from a “clean and renewed” space!!! It holds a whole new energy… one which I could revel in forever! (well, until next week anyway haha)
Today though, I found myself a little more “obsessive” than normal (that says a lot actually lol) - you know… scrubbing walls, the fridge, cleaning ALL the glassware, cleaning the kettle and the list goes on… I noticed myself talking to my mom the whole way through – funny actually. “Love you mom” as I wiped down her red tea pot. “Happy now?” as I wiped down her old FLOUR tin that now holds all the boys treats. It was as if she was with me in “conversation” the entire time and yet this left me feeling even more frustrated than I have been! Those that know me VERY well – wilbeing l know that I have been one of those “weirdo’s” that pick up on ALL the “spiritual stuff”. It has been with me my WHOLE life – seeing, feeling – all of it, but… the ONE person that I REALLY want to feel… I cannot. People talk about feeling the “warmth” of this or that… but yet… NOTHING. I suppose I am frustrated because this was something that has always infiltrated my life (unwanted at times) and I feel and see nothing from my own mother - Nothing at all.
“Shock is when language and emotion get overwritten by trauma's numbing code.” ― Stewart Stafford
So, I have been sitting with my moms phone since, well…. Before she passed actually. It was one of those distractions that I chose to remove from her life when she was struggling… but I have had it ever since and it was becoming one of those “sore spots”. I did not want to look at it, turn it on – let alone go through the stuff that was on it! Circumstance would have required me to sell it at some point soon anyway as we currently have no income (thanks Cyril)… but today we sold it to family. That felt a LOT better than selling it to a stranger. A LOT BETTER!!!! I know it seems stupid, but that was probably the last little bit of “real time” mom that I had been hanging on to. Memories of her flipping the cover open and closed, calling me to come look at some funny video or to share her latest paintings… it was HARD to wipe it clean and let it go. But, I needed to do it and I am grateful that it is now in the hands of family. Call me sentimental… yeah perhaps.
“There comes a time in your life when you have to choose to turn the page, write another book or simply close it.” ― Shannon L. Alder
Well, the phone required collection and despite our few “illegal” wine collection “drop and go” situations…we have not my family at all! I am just so OVER all this lockdown crap and invited my family members inside. It was actually so funny… no sooner had my brother sat on our couch did he say “it feels good to visit someone” – AGREED!!!!! We went for dinner at a friend week before last and I felt that SAME happiness! It was SO good to be somewhere outside of my own space, enjoying a meal that was prepared by someone else other than me. Sitting, chatting enjoying the evening… it felt NORMAL!
“Home is people. Not a place. If you go back there after the people are gone, then all you can see is what is not there any more.” ― Robin Hobb
Sadly, I spend a relative amount of time standing in the front of our house smoking lol… which overlooks the canal and the backs of many other houses. There is a brick house from which night after night I have stood there listening to kids crying, parents SCREAMING, swearing – hits so loud I can hear them across the canal. I have stood there a few times and shouted at the top of my lungs – but never sure if anything is ever heard. It is normally a woman I hear screaming… swearing at her children, which is followed by their screams and crying… but tonight I heard a male voice shouting at them. His HITS were so loud I could not ignore them!!! David was on a phonecall to my dad but was “aware” of what was going on… I took my shoes off, rolled up my jeans and was ready to walk through the canal and over to the other side so I could SHOUT at them to STOP!!!!!! Phonecall aside, Dave knew exactly where I was headed and stopped me dead in my tracks lol.
“Well, then – we are getting in the car to get the address and call the police” I said. And so that was what we did. I do not have much faith in the police here… I would have knocked on their fucking door myself – but Dave said no. Yeah, I get it… I respect his perspective (especially here in SA) – but GRRRRRRR – I hate listening to those kids screaming and crying!!! Jude asked me what was “going on” – I asked him “How often do you get a hiding?” he said “almost never mom, because I don’t misbehave” – hahaha good boy! But I then explained to him that “those” children were getting a hiding every single day of their lives. (he has heard it too) – his face said it all after that. We called two cop stations… hopefully at least ONE of them actually cared enough to arrive and if ANYTHING put a bit of “scare” into those assholes of parents! At the very least I am just glad I have the address now…
“Many abused children cling to the hope that growing up will bring escape and freedom. But the personality formed in the environment of coercive control is not well adapted to adult life. The survivor is left with fundamental problems in basic trust, autonomy, and initiative. She approaches the task of early adulthood――establishing independence and intimacy――burdened by major impairments in self-care, in cognition and in memory, in identity, and in the capacity to form stable relationships. She is still a prisoner of her childhood; attempting to create a new life, she reencounters the trauma.” ― Judith Lewis Herman
So here I am, writing “this” to and for all of you. Some may relate, others not – but this is my place of sharing. My space of passion! Yes, I took a break from it ALL today – Hive, Twitter, Discord – ALL OF IT… but we NEED to do that in order to gain perspective and therefore “continue on”. As much as we might like to believe we are… we are NOT machines!!!! We are spiritual beings having a human experience and we ALL need a moment (or two) to replenish.
“When you give yourself permission to communicate what matters to you in every situation you will have peace despite rejection or disapproval. Putting a voice to your soul helps you to let go of the negative energy of fear and regret.” ― Shannon L. Alder
Our “seemingly” unimportant moments in life ALL offer nuggets of wisdom and sharing them with others is a part of the journey.** “Take from it what you will and leave the rest”** has always been my philosophy when reading things… and I don’t think this is any different. Your stories, experiences and advice will resonate with some and not at all with others, and that is ok – the point is… you shared them and it all adds to YOUR journey, which mark my words… will make ripples in someone else’s journey – whether they express that with you or not!
“Almost universally, when people look back on their lives while on their deathbed [...] they wish they had spent more time with the people and activities they truly loved and less time worrying about aspects of life that, upon deeper examination, really don't matter at all that much. Imagining yourself at your own funeral allows you to look back at your life while you still have the chance to make some important changes.” ― Richard Carlson
Until next time...
Much Love from Cape Town, South Africa xxx
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