Looking back at those times can be painful, but you will realize how strong you are, and how God gave you the strength you needed. It is a feeling that you will never expect you can get through because of the anxiety that's been in your head, and can't hardly understand it.
It's like a whirlwind taking you into twist and turns, and get overwhelmed with the changes. That's what I also feel when my father passed away. That could have been one of the hardest things to accept because he is our remaining parent who's gonna be there for us.
My father did not have the same suffering as my mother did. Or maybe he is already suffering, and trying to keep it. He doesn't want us to suffer like how we suffered when taking care of our mother. He witnessed how we dealt with the difficult times, and he doesn't want to become a burden to us.
It started out when there's bleeding after urinating. He was rushed to the hospital, and I wasn't home then. I am attending our meetings in sign language, and just learned he was already confined. So I rushed to the hospital after the meetings. It was confusing. But I am glad to see him looking fine in the hospital. I helped my brother watch on him while my father is in the hospital. He was immediately undergone CT Scan. It is the quickest way, and we don't want negligence to happen to him like what happened to my mom, who was misdiagnosed a number of times, and the doctor even failed to suggest CT Scan.
We found out that there's a mass in his pancreas, and suggested to be removed. However, the there's no surgeon in the hospital can do it because it is a major and complicated surgery. We looked out for one in the city but no one is able to do it.
We searched out in Metro Manila, and tried to ask from St. Luke's. That will cost around a million pesos, which is around $20,000 at current value. It is another series of roller coaster of emotions. We searched out another one, and talked to a brother in faith who suggested to undergo surgery in Philippine Heart Center, where he was part of the board, and call a surgeon from another hospital. That will cost around $6,000 or $7,000.
My father agreed because wants the surgery so bad because he doesn't want to experience the same way as my mother did. However, he was only given 80% that the surgery would be successful. It might sound good that 80% is reasonable enough, but we should not undermine 20%. That's huge enough to risk our father's life.
He was then brought to the hospital two days before the surgery. Since it was in Manila which is more than 200 kilometers away from our home, only my two brothers watched him in the hospital. Besides, the hospital is overly strict limiting people to watch him.
The surgery happened on Wednesday. It was successful. After two days, my brother messaged us that our father is in critical stage. He had complications on his kidney, and was transferred to the ICU. My two brothers are at a heightened emotional state. My cousins who lives in the city are there. However, the nurses told them to leave the private room. They said that private rooms should be vacated when the patient was transferred to the ICU. That would be difficult considering we have lots of stuff in the room, and the nurses are insensitive on the way they talked.
It's pretty heartless on the hospital's part because you are not allowed to bring your own blankets and pillows, which are more comfortable, but they will lend you which you shouls have to pay. Money runs in the hospital considering it is semi-private.
The night of Saturday, my father was finally conscious but he cannot talk because of the tube inserted on his mouth to throat. I can see his pain, that I even cried there. I slept early that night outside of the ICU, in a small sofa provided for the family.
I was awakened by 3am of Sunday, and looked from the ICU door, and my youbger brother is there watching. I told him to sleep as I take my turn to watch. About 4am, the nurses freshened my father up with wet towel. After that, his vital signs declined. They started to revive him, but I was unaware what's really happening. I was shocked as I don't know what to do. I am just stood there watching, until it came to my mind that something's wrong happening. I started to cry, went out of the ICU, and woke my brothers up. My younger brother went him, while I just cried out there. Eventually, he was declared dead before 7am. I feel hopeless and broken. Thinking about what will life be afterwards.
Emotions are really high. There's resentment at oppression before my father died. It's sad that the same people has oppressed my mother before he died, as well as with my father. That's life people of such sort exists. Those just stirred our emotions. Eventually, the pain will finally die down. It's not forgotten, but you will come to forgiveness.