Mort the Shit Manager: 'The Armchair Club'

in hive-170798 •  9 months ago 

Source: Image by @katharsisdrill

Mort, the Shit Manager is a spin-off fictional series of short stories based loosely on the thoughts of David Mortenson, the tyrannical Kwiksave store manager who features in my auto-biographical series 'The Horrors of Kwiksave'.

Other Articles in this Series:
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Oppression Supreme'




Mort was driven.

Being a Stock Lad was one tough job, and he wasn’t content in filling shelves for much longer.

At the tender age of 16, Mort was learning fast on how to progress up the Kwiksave ratrace hierarchy. A chance eavesdropping between hard-man boss, Vinny Stone, and Area Manager Elton Welsby had told him all he needed.

£500 and he would approach Elton. The secret was out and he had all the facts.

To become a member of the ‘Armchair Club’ one had to grease palms. At a miserable £26 a week Mort thought hard about how to raise cash.

Then there were a plethora of second criteria of joining the elite club which included automatic promotion to manager.


…’could Mort face the ultimate challenge and succeed?’…

The gist of it was simple. Serial coffee drinking was a must, a healthy appreciation of ‘The Sun’ newspaper a secondary necessity, and then there was the most important precedent of all.

The last challenge was problematic for Mort. He was unused to sitting down and unfortunately for him, membership of the ‘Armchair ClubREQUIRED him to put his feet up for 80% of his working hours in the staff room office.

This would be a rigorous, demanding test of his abilities. Mort could not fail.

Mort was driven.


Mort, the Shit Manager is a Serial Shitposting Fiction Story inspired by Torundel the Shitposter by @katharsisdrill, Ren du Lot, the Shit Lawyer by @vcelier and Nordlute, the Shit Sysadmin by @steevc.

Rules are:
211 words - Starting with the words "Mort" - First and last sentence are identical.



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Oh, yeah. Mort is out of the gate and headed down the track. I'm sayin' it's about 3 to 5 that he makes the Armchair Club by the time he's 20.

Waiting for the next installment!

He did make the club by 1980 (at 22) when I started but how did he raise the capital?

I'm sure you will get to that part! Graft?

Graft? Unlikely, I will have to think of a more cunning plot than that!

Nice idea and series. Very English that Mort!!
Going to involve any MTG in this fictional series?

MTG, Hmm... not in 1980 mate, 13 years later it turned up courtesy of Richard Garfield.

I like how you were able to easily work this into your current serial about your time at Kwiksave. It's almost like giving your double bang for your buck. I feel like the word limit would be really hard to stick to. Is that the hardest part of this for you?

I'm finding these easy @bozz, I think it is due to having a real person to base the fiction on. It makes a difference. The 211 words is not a big deal either.

It must have been a right of passage to work in the stockroom. Sure brings back memories of my first "official" gig working stock at Sears. About twice a year I still will wake up from a sweaty nightmare from working there all so many years ago lol.

LOL, sweaty nightmares, I get less of them as the years go by.. about Kwiksave.

Love the irony, first sentence and last. Cool plays on words. A real deal shitpost if you ask me. Nice.

Thanks, I don't know where this tale is going.. at all!

Mort is getting it. PLaces like Kwiksave do not care about the quality of their managers, just that the shit products keep getting out the door.

I can't say any more for fear of spoilers, not that I have a vision for this story!

This is a 100% enjoyable text, @slobberchops. The narrative is quite dynamic, among other aspects like the oral tone and word choice, you comprise a lot in few words to make the story much longer than the sentences that make it up, which allows your narrator to advance faster, like in this part:

£500 and he would approach Elton. The secret was out and he had all the facts.

Its ironic tone is perfect for the implicit moral--or anti-moral?--like this shop, a cynic world rewards money and the abilities to have others do the job (or something like that). I think Mort will learn faster every time; in a Tarantino movie, he would probably get killed twenty years later by the new stock lad who happened to be a faster learner than he was XD