Holy Bajeezies 2

in photography •  last year 

Coincidentally enough, it's been another 18 days since my last post. Wow.. one would think 18 is my lucky number or something. Life is pretty nutso- I do feel this grey cloud over me- which isn't good. I am currently vulnerable to gambling and drinking (which is also vulnerable to admit) but, well, it's my current truth. If I were to step back an analyze myself (which I often do) I would make the argument that my self sabotage mechanisms are doing a great job at keeping me comfortable in misery. Comfortable in anxiety and comfortable in depression. By moving to San Diego, I chose an action totally against these defense mechanisms, but they certainly came with me.

I've been getting a few photo gigs (finally some paid ones) in beautiful Coronado, SD20191012_.JPG

Lots of super cool boats.. 20191018_11.JPG

and a scary ass bridge to drive over...20191018_12.JPG

and then working through invoicing clients, and following up to make sure I get paid. Which has been annoying, but I suppose "that's business".

I've been talking to the roommate a lot, bouncing ideas off each other about possible businesses, and then there is this...
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This creepy ass- cold-dark ass space for rent...

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To me it is BEAUTIFUL. And I have been struggling a lot lately with the fact that I have been putting creation on the backburner in order to "get my shit together". But if I were honest, I feel that I have to take the risk in turning this space into the studio Ive always wanted. I struggle with competing thoughts of "if you were a true creator, you'd be able to create in the presence of others"- and "I need my own space to be creative". And living with roomates and working out of my bedroom, just isn't cutting it. My savings after selling my house is close to back at zero, and that is tough as hell to swallow..and everything in my bones is telling me to take the risk- and rent out the space.
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The goal being- A) Having a space to create again for myself, and B) generating income by offering services such as podcasts(free podcast services for @justineh), youtube/(dTube or 3speak) video creation, Voice overs, Vocal artists, and photography. I don't have a huge network here in SD, Ive only been here 2 months, but I feel everything that has happened, has guided me to this opportunity.

The biggest issue is soundproofing the space. I had a contractor come out 3 days ago to give me a quote on what it would cost, and as long as the price isn't "your soul"- I think I will invest whatever I need to, to soundproof the space and just take off. I'm scared as hell.... but I am starting to feel comfortable in making scary decisions. Checking off the "what if I never try..." boxes, and living with the results.

And that is kind of where I stand now... waiting for the quote, anxious as all hell, and guilty for not being as involved in the Steem community as I should be. And while I do feel I follow the pattern of "when I get...(fill in the blank) ..THEN ill be happy".. and that "this space" is that new fill in the blank... I know that life is short as fuck... and I have a LOT of shit I still want to create... so why the fuck not?

Thanks for listening...

Here are some pictures of MEOW MEOW the cat....20191018_4.JPG
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lol.. kind of looks like he has only half of a a face.. but he is just yawning/roaring..
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