'Alo, Steem fam, how are y'all today? I'm doing pretty good. Getting stuff done, which feels nice. The depression is kind of in the "numb" stage but my energy levels are still decent, so I am accomplishing tasks, which, even though I don't feel very "woohoo" about it also means that I'm not spiraling down into "I suck," either, so that's good. ;)
It's time for the biannual "my kitchen is clean" moment! That's what I accomplished yesterday and today. Yesterday I started a load of dishes (I have a dishwasher but you have to scrub most of them before they go in, or they won't come clean if there is still any food on them) and set the last half of a load to soak in the sink, and washed the floor as far as not disturbing the spider webs as much as possible (there are resident spiders under the stove and the fridge, and I'm OK with them being there). So the floor looks decent except for a few corners under the cabinet overhang. When I say "wash the floor" instead of "mop," that's because I don't own a mop and I get down on hands and knees with wet paper towels and a spray bottle. The only tile areas in the apartment are the walk-in kitchen and the bathroom, so when my old mop broke I just never replaced it. ;)
Then today I finished scrubbing that load of dishes and set the machine to wash, and while that was going, I stacked the rest of the dirty dishes (probably about one more load worth ...which is a lot better than what I had stacked all over the counters at the height of the "my kitchen reflects my energy levels" mess) in one half of the sink and a bit behind the sink, cleaned all the counters really well and the catcher for the dish rack (which gets coffee stains all over it because I usually just rinse out the coffee paraphernalia and reuse them several times in between proper cleanings), and the stove burners and underneath them (there was a dead miller moth under one ...ewwwww). By the time I was done, the washer had washed, so I opened it up so the dishes could dry, and made myself lunch. Clean kitchen accomplished!
Maggie snoopervised and lent me her encouragement. :) And yeah - that photo was yesterday before I cleaned the floor as there is still catnip all over it. LOL
This combined with my bedroom being almost fully arranged, makes me feel accomplished. The road of The Great Purging Of Stuff has been long, but the end is in sight. Anybody who thinks you can cure hoarding (if you're new here, yes, I was really a hoarder; I saved cat fur in Ziploc baggies because I thought if I threw it out after I brushed them it meant I was throwing the cats out - but I wasn't at the jars of pee or keeping moldy food stage) in one episode of a TV show by having other people do the cleaning over a weekend is bonkers (yes, I realize most of the shows have them attending therapy afterward if they are willing, but the show effort itself, while usually necessary because of some law violation or whatever, has got to be an actual setback because it would be so traumatizing, or it would have been for me). It has been slooooooooow but so much progress has been made! I'm so much less anxious nowadays that just last night, I discovered that there are two spiders in my bathroom - they were in the tub, and one stays there and one goes back and froth from the opposite ceiling to the tub - and I called them nerds and let them be.
I mean, yeah - they weren't big, but still in the TUB, that would not have been a "meh" for me before. I have become this reasonable, calm person. I mean, I still can panic over a scary bug, but in the past this would have been a "scary bug moment." And it's not now.
When I was very young, I used to like spiders - I remember checking out a book from the library on them - and I'd pick up ladybugs and caterpillars and worms and the like with my bare hands, and try to catch fireflies. The bug phobia developed years later with all of my other anxious reactions to trauma. I'm reverting back to something more like my original state. I'm healing. It's marvelous. :)
A member of my furry therapeutic team showing off a fang
I have a bunch of groceries in my fridge/cupboards; I'm making progress on getting my space in order; I'm making progress on my learning first aid/being prepared goals; I have a bed (!!); the kitties are well; life is good. :)
I don't midlife crisis, I midlife heal. :D
Progress is a beautiful thing, y'all. Have a wonderful day!
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